Ohhh fly

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 03:02:29 GMT

It's not an emotion. It's not something that can just be stripped down to be picked apart from wants and un-wants. It slips away only because we, I, choose to not hold on tight. Opportunities are given to grow, you don't just grow because you ask to grow. Can I be reminded of what I am fighting for, because I keep choosing to set my sights on unreal, unnecessary, and truly unwanted things.

Pure, pure, pure, pure, pure, pure, purity. I cannot create it, not these hands. But I can see it, I will ask for it, I will try all my days to keep it, I will hold him, purity, physically
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I no longer am wasting my youth and it feels so good
I feel closer to the world when im actually reading about it.

the government isnt just here to tell us what to do.
So i say just live, learn, love and inspire and all that you ever wanted will be there.
Suck up whatever you need to do to get there just dont rely too much on it

and believe it will be worth it.

Sun, 04 Jan 2009 21:03:23 GMT

all I can say is that my life is pretty plain, I like watching the puddles gather rain
and all I can do is just pour some tea for two and then speak my point of view
but its not sane.

i wish i can enjoy this lovely life with a person
not a lover or anything but just a friend.
i want someone glued aside of me. i wanna meet some good hearts here in arizona
but i dont wanna seem desperate trying. i wish i can hold all my friends in my pocket ..

im always on the other side
while all of you are together. kinda sucks but it has always been that way. shit needs to change

my thoughts and art is the only close thing i have
i vent in my own mind and leak on paper

i want human touch tho

Sat, 27 Dec 2008 20:23:42 GMT

i hate being driven away
How can you leave me longing for you..

its ridiculous how one can you leave you with such thoughts and feelings.
i want more of your time more more more

I am a tease though. Too frightened of becoming attached I only want your attention, please, but let's not let our passion make this memorable.

I ball your hand into a fist next to mine and it occurs to me your heart is twice as big as mine.

I think about him when I'm with you sometimes, and I assure myself: it doesn't matter who loves me, just God forbid that no one does. Mean thoughts. Selfish thoughts. I'm using you to feel beautiful.

My fingers didn't fidget my heart was calm and my eyes were still empty. I'd hoped a new addiction would come to me I think. I thought it would fill me with some kind of craving or obsession or passion (it was supposed to, wasn't it?) but I'm still just stuck floating because there's nothing to keep my head out of the clouds.

"was that motivating enough"...

false alarm ey?im talking about deuce heads in this post.
and dont worry its not u, YOU. your not as special as you thought.

None of the things in this post are things I should be caring about.
Soo
some assumptions I'm clean and alert I haven't had many lovers. I try to make eye contact more often I know it makes me look shifty when I don't. I've been good and try to keep the blank stares short. Sometimes they last too long but really it's hard to tell how long they're supposed to last. I eat. I don't hold my breath too long and I don't drive when I'm angry and even when I don't look both ways at least I cross my fingers. I'm trying to be more patient but I'm certainly patient enough I'd like to think! But you can always be more patient. I know I'm not made to have caffeine. I'm also not made to be in cold weather too long even though i love it. I dont smother but i care.

I'm trying to not lead myself on. I'm trying to stay grounded.

I feel like I'm always stuffed full. find me i need friends, lovers, anything.

UPDATE on life outside my head.
I got my arizona license now. the picture is worst then my cali one. but whatever.
i dig lookin chubby. i paid all my tuition with my christmas money. i lost my own restpect. got it back. but lost it again. i continue to miss people everyday. and learned that, its apart of life. So noo more whining about it. Work is work. and i love it. Being a hostess is so easy but too easy its horrible. my feet are cold
i waste water but save trees.

idk what im saying bye.

Running through life, like a misfit

Mon, 17 Nov 2008 20:42:20 GMT

I finally turned 16 yesterday
my transcript finally came in today and so now i can finally enroll myself in college before i leave back to cali this Thursday

I can't wait to be back in California
seeing everyone and being in cold.
I also can't wait to make thanksgiving dinner with my sister and then being with Klaressa for the rest of the day
like back in the days. Were gonna be shakin and baking fersure.
Gooodday
<3

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 22:10:14 GMT

i had kinda a crummy day yesterday. draining in every way - mostly emotionally. it ended well though. because my boyfriend is amazing and all.

but i really need a good cry with a friend
ohhh lonelily
picture of me as of last weekend.
horrible ,,, i know

Tue, 28 Oct 2008 03:00:57 GMT

I really do want the world to stop moving. It's not fair that I have to pretend like everything is ok because it just isn't.
I'm really bitter and mad at whatever it is that gives life and takes it away. Whatever higher being or something.
I don't care that I will "become stronger" from this. I don't care that good things may happen. Because the good thing ive ever wanted is in my face already. and its still surreal to me. I dont like being a step up from all those i wanna stay aside with ,it just fucking sucks.

I really

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 03:13:33 GMT

need a person whose hands are big enough to hold my soul.

UGh second term ends this friday ,, im excited but then im not. I like Danny
but i hate that im moving in two months. Thinkin about it sucks so im really trying not to .. But
these feelings are so new and im not just gonna let them fly by so im dealing with it and being with him.
Living in the present and waiting for tomorrow as it comess

Gilded - having a pleasing or showy appearance that conceals something of little worth.

"The idea of youth – wasted, gilded or otherwise"

the past two days i've been reconsidering my goals. i realized i need to set a solid understanding of what i'm about and also what my career should be about. i think of all of what respresents me through my environment and the people i surround myself with. confus

Wed, 27 Aug 2008 00:14:02 GMT

Because i havent updated in like days !!! I obv will noww..
School is going well even though they tweeeked up the system a bit.
I go all day which is such a horror im just not so use to that. But heeey i wanna get out fast.
I do still plan on graduating before spring semester so i can start college then.
oh joy oh joy. This is what scares me ..not knowing where i wanna go after. Its like last year i felt like getting out of highschool would make things easy. but then college is just gonna be another heavy weight on my back. On top of that i dont even know where i wanna go. I use to think i know. but that all backfired. I blame that on myself though...
Theres just so much to do but with how the economy is ,all that i ever thought of doing wont get me by in the long run.
I guess i can only hope.
Goodnews me and Felicidy have fer sure decided that were moving to the east coast after she graduates.
I think its a good plan and hopefully it falls through.

My brother was going through old cds the other day and found a bunch of my old cds.
and boy does it take me back. I cant believe how much i loved love drug, damian rice, and jupiter is useless.
Jupiters first demo will always be my favorite.

and i have a crush ,,,
but i wont make a big deal out of it cause i know in the end of the day
it will only be a crush.

<3

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 18:52:44 GMT

"no matter how bummed out you are on life and how disconnected you feel from everything, music pulls you right back up and keeps you positive."

One good thing about music, is that when it hits you, you feel no pain.

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 17:22:14 GMT

Things arent just always handed to you ya know.
IF we were givin everything we wanted then whats left for us to look forward to.

Idk i guess im in this because i now love having my own goals and the future would be unfullfilled if i didnt.
i just really cant wait to graduate and move to arizona

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 16:50:11 GMT

Long Beach is greeat and cool
Mojave Lake howeverrr was burrrning

Hope ya;ll are having a bitchin summa ;)!

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 05:49:42 GMT

i need to put the visions in my head, in my hands
but i need that pushhh
wheres that damn push!

I get to be in Long Beach the next 3 weeks starting June 8th then Phoenix and Las Vegas.
Finally my summer startsss. I havent seen my bestfriend at all this summer but hopefully ill get to saturday !
July 4th tomorrow ! ill be at the mexican fiesta at emilys woo

bye.

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 17:58:29 GMT

right now i'm so happy, or i'm trying to be. i block out so much now and but at least i have no drama. I'm just avoiding a year anything like last year. i'm tired of anxiety and holding in stuff till i can't take it anymore. i'm glad i've already gone through that, i'm a lot more mature and i'd rather be mature than be stupid and inexperienced. next month will hopefully be the best part of summer and hopefully it will be basically everything i need. im glad i've stopped missing the people that i know don't miss me at all and are too busy with other things. im trying to get over some mothafuckers that talk a bunch of shit and have nothing but big lies to back it up. i know what i deserve and what i don't. i know my limits, and this year i'm not going to push them.

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 04:14:49 GMT

so many rockin good new albums came out so far this year.
GOD '08 is just great! lets not ruin it ,oldman

Im trying to get over sad thoughts by thinking about how good today was but... i have to vent it out a little

I love my family, i love my old friends, i love my new friends, i love life.
and i am so sorry to all of you that i haven't been there for, and thats many of you lately.
but just understand that i can't even really be there for myself right now.
i'm trying my best to be the girl i once was.
the one who could always be there for my loves at anytime.
the girl who could talk about issues without having a fucking heart attack.
i will be that girl again. but for now, for now i can't.
so for now, please hush your angry and hurt tones
and understand.

understand. !

Sat, 31 May 2008 05:15:43 GMT

Sometimes when no one else is home, I'll fall asleep wishing that I wake up with someone else inside my head. I don't want their body or family or life. I just want to be someone I think is more beautiful than myself. Kinder and more confident and wittier and calmer and less forgiving and less insecure and more optimistic and most importantly, not as terrible. buts its all in my head. I know I could be different in there if I just pushed myself out. YA KNOW

Sun, 25 May 2008 00:55:52 GMT

Im beginning to like Arizona more and moree.
Especially Tempe hahh i can care less about Phoenix, really.
The weather here will suck ass but im willing to deal with it.
California is getting to expensive as well soo this will be good.
Im moving Jan 2009 :D

Tue, 20 May 2008 00:02:08 GMT

why do you say sorry for being a shitty frienddd?
its annoying. The only person you should say sorry to is yourself for being that shitty person you shitshit.
I just cant wait to get my permit on the 21st(hopefully i pass) and flying to phoenix friday morning ..its gonna be eff in hotter there but ill see my ma :D

Sat, 17 May 2008 17:48:11 GMT

I hate to be the only one tryinggg.
Friendships are suppose to be worked in 2, 3, or 4+ ..not just one.
Katey and Felicidy are an exception but the others are either too busy with acid, boyfriends, or ex enemies

Now thats really sad and getting really old

&&&i really hate to whine but its the truth and it wont ever go away unless you people start noticing that i wont stick around for long. If you actually ask how im doing or pick up your phone and just say hi for once, then maybe. But i do deserve some notice, some love, some anything , sometime.

some stuff about me [[[[[[[[[

Wed, 14 May 2008 23:47:10 GMT

Truths

I consider myself a very outgoing person and I also understand that many people just get my personality. I tend to be too much for most people. I've known since I was a young girl that I am meant for great things and I plan to accomplish something spectacular. I haven't decided what that is yet.

-I am in love with Thai food and tempura maki sushi

-I'm waiting for the one. I know it's cliché but I feel like I have high expectations for the person I will hopefully one day be proud to wear on my arm. Relationships explain a lot about the choices you make in life.

-I love music because it literally speaks to my soul. I'm picky about the music I listen to. I like what I like man. Dancing is the shit. Lets me know im still alive and moving ya know

-I love to be a social butterfly. I feel that I am very diverse and can socialize on many different levels with many different types of people.

-I hate when people tell me what they THINK I should do in order to make them happy. It makes me not want to do that because they asked me to. It loses all of its meaning.

- I hate repeating myself. If I'm talking you should be respectful and listen to me. I do the same for you. But then I do speak soft and you can’t hear me so my fault on that but maybe if you don’t speak over me then we’ll be cool, yaaa.

-I am the youngest of 3 siblings and im soon getting 3 steps.

-Going to school is a very important thing for me and others. I think that you should always be educating yourself in as many different ways as possible. It's what you know that shapes who you are.

-I like to accept people for the differences. It's nice to know there are so many diverse types of people that you can let yourself be exposed to. I am definitely anti-racism, you should be too.

-I terribly hate when people touch my neck but still the people that always do touch my neck do it when they know it bugs the shit out of me. Ughh ima shoot them next time. I always have in my head that ima die because someone is gonna choke me to death or chop my head off so thats why i hate it, ha.

-Bjork scares me ,,,i hate her and her music fucking freaks me out

-I suck at merrrkin but I love the smell of aerosol, hah I know

-I shit on niggas

Wed, 14 May 2008 00:55:32 GMT

Whatever that evil thing is..
its taking too many innocent lives. The natural disasters, the man made weapons/drugs.
Its killing us,,, so how is the dead suppose to rest in peace when we cant even live in it.

Mon, 12 May 2008 21:18:27 GMT

A friend from school took his own life this friday 5/9/08
its so devastating to hear what had happen. and for some reason his lost really hurt.
I was no where near being a close friend to him. But we share the same kind of car. He use to always come in to art giving my teacher 'slaps' and tell me to smile.
He would talk about cars constantly to me and id always look at him acting like i knew what hes saying when i really never did.
I would of never thought he'd take his ownself away but i guess thats what freaks me out the most. Maybe hes just the kind of guy to keep things to himself.. then he blew up because of that. I dont know tho i just wish someone woulda listen when he gave out the hints i wish i coulda ask more about how his days gooo But theres nothing we can do now..

I say listen before you speak
you could be helping someone out ya know? few words save much larger

Sun, 11 May 2008 22:50:14 GMT

Mon, 05 May 2008 21:35:28 GMT

I shouldnt have to remind anyone who or what i am to them
big or small

you make me sick

tttt

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 02:53:23 GMT

i mean well, you know

1. Im glad your both out of the house but i hope you are BOTH cleaning up
2. Quit talking like a little beeetch
3. You need to get to school boyyy
4. Your so cuteee

Sat, 26 Apr 2008 06:15:26 GMT

thoughtsss turning my stomach

So they tell me I'm young. I'm 15. I'm so young. I really am though, how can I deny my amount of years on Earth. But my mind? They can't judge my mind based on that. My mind is NOT young. My mind has dranken and consumed the entire existence of humanity. It's fed off you're mistakes, my own mistakes and trust me, I'm not even full yet.

So tell me oh wise one, when do I become you're age of acceptance? When will that differ you're first impression?

Let me tell you, this has nothing to do with any recent events of explosive negative emotions. It's just what's been crawling up and down my mind. I literally soaked up life tonight. I let life take over me and for those few minutes of pure euphoria, it woke me up on the inside. I had my end credits roll as my eyes opened to the sun and flicker of shadows from the tree's passing by. As the road sides passed me by, exit here, go there. The song played on. The people who helped produce this movie called life. It happens. But I realized no matter where you end, there will ALWAYS be a new beginning. A new way to reconstruct yourself, you're views, make you a better person. Did you know there's more than "what if's" in life?

If my eyes were a movie projector and my mind was the film.