Ohhh fly

It's not an emotion. It's not something that can just be stripped down to be picked apart from wants and un-wants. It slips away only because we, I, choose to not hold on tight. Opportunities are given to grow, you don't just grow because you ask to grow. Can I be reminded of what I am fighting for, because I keep choosing to set my sights on unreal, unnecessary, and truly unwanted things.

Pure, pure, pure, pure, pure, pure, purity. I cannot create it, not these hands. But I can see it, I will ask for it, I will try all my days to keep it, I will hold him, purity, physically
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I no longer am wasting my youth and it feels so good
I feel closer to the world when im actually reading about it.

the government isnt just here to tell us what to do.
So i say just live, learn, love and inspire and all that you ever wanted will be there.
Suck up whatever you need to do to get there just dont rely too much on it

and believe it will be worth it.

So here I am, I'm still an existence on this world and a part of the community in the year of 2009. I'll rather say that my being isn't an appalling image of a trail of fatality to my conclusion anymore. No more walking pass leafless trees on the trail as well as the sky shows bitterness of the color red. No more walking with the mere image of death holding my hand as he shows me the river is filled with no hope. No more cold, lifeless breaths for every step I take. No more repeated circles on the trail that always end up in a black hole. I would fall down this hole, screaming in the shadows of everyone. I will then just end up from the start. Recently I finally escaped the trail of death to find a blissful life. A life where I can actually touch happiness, where I can finally breathe in full breaths of delight. I can actually see animals freely roaming around as everything and everyone gets along with each other. I can feel everyone around me, everyone around me has become very close in my life. Ones, which I can actually have a connection with. I found all the different sides of love. This is where I belong; this is where I plan to stay at the moment. With this trail, there are so many opportunities where I can measure myself with to make me a better person who I am. I'm going to see where this trail takes me but for now.I am here now, neither the past nor the future, but now. I'll rather think that my past is in the past and my future is the future. I say live in the now. It is the healthiest fixation any human can do, that's what I believe in and it has helped me.

i hate being driven away
How can you leave me longing for you..

its ridiculous how one can you leave you with such thoughts and feelings.
i want more of your time more more more

I am a tease though. Too frightened of becoming attached I only want your attention, please, but let's not let our passion make this memorable.

I ball your hand into a fist next to mine and it occurs to me your heart is twice as big as mine.

I think about him when I'm with you sometimes, and I assure myself: it doesn't matter who loves me, just God forbid that no one does. Mean thoughts. Selfish thoughts. I'm using you to feel beautiful.



My fingers didn't fidget my heart was calm and my eyes were still empty. I'd hoped a new addiction would come to me I think. I thought it would fill me with some kind of craving or obsession or passion (it was supposed to, wasn't it?) but I'm still just stuck floating because there's nothing to keep my head out of the clouds.


"was that motivating enough"...

false alarm ey?im talking about deuce heads in this post.
and dont worry its not u, YOU. your not as special as you thought.


None of the things in this post are things I should be caring about.
Soo
some assumptions I'm clean and alert I haven't had many lovers. I try to make eye contact more often I know it makes me look shifty when I don't. I've been good and try to keep the blank stares short. Sometimes they last too long but really it's hard to tell how long they're supposed to last. I eat. I don't hold my breath too long and I don't drive when I'm angry and even when I don't look both ways at least I cross my fingers. I'm trying to be more patient but I'm certainly patient enough I'd like to think! But you can always be more patient. I know I'm not made to have caffeine. I'm also not made to be in cold weather too long even though i love it. I dont smother but i care.

I'm trying to not lead myself on. I'm trying to stay grounded.

I feel like I'm always stuffed full. find me i need friends, lovers, anything.

UPDATE on life outside my head.
I got my arizona license now. the picture is worst then my cali one. but whatever.
i dig lookin chubby. i paid all my tuition with my christmas money. i lost my own restpect. got it back. but lost it again. i continue to miss people everyday. and learned that, its apart of life. So noo more whining about it. Work is work. and i love it. Being a hostess is so easy but too easy its horrible. my feet are cold
i waste water but save trees.


idk what im saying bye.

I really do want the world to stop moving. It's not fair that I have to pretend like everything is ok because it just isn't.
I'm really bitter and mad at whatever it is that gives life and takes it away. Whatever higher being or something.
I don't care that I will "become stronger" from this. I don't care that good things may happen. Because the good thing ive ever wanted is in my face already. and its still surreal to me. I dont like being a step up from all those i wanna stay aside with ,it just fucking sucks.

need a person whose hands are big enough to hold my soul.




UGh second term ends this friday ,, im excited but then im not. I like Danny
but i hate that im moving in two months. Thinkin about it sucks so im really trying not to .. But
these feelings are so new and im not just gonna let them fly by so im dealing with it and being with him.
Living in the present and waiting for tomorrow as it comess

Gilded - having a pleasing or showy appearance that conceals something of little worth.

"The idea of youth – wasted, gilded or otherwise"

the past two days i've been reconsidering my goals. i realized i need to set a solid understanding of what i'm about and also what my career should be about. i think of all of what respresents me through my environment and the people i surround myself with. confus

 "no matter how bummed out you are on life and how disconnected you feel from everything, music pulls you right back up and keeps you positive."

One good thing about music, is that when it hits you, you feel no pain.

Things arent just always handed to you ya know.
IF we were givin everything we wanted then whats left for  us to look forward to.

Idk i guess im in this because i now love having my own goals and the future would be unfullfilled if i didnt.
i just really cant wait to graduate and move to arizona 

Long Beach is greeat and cool
Mojave Lake howeverrr was burrrning

Hope ya;ll are having a bitchin summa ;)!

i need to put the visions in my head, in my hands
but i need that pushhh
wheres that damn push!


I get to be in Long Beach the next 3 weeks starting June 8th then Phoenix and Las Vegas.
Finally my summer startsss. I havent seen my bestfriend at all this summer but hopefully ill get to saturday !
July 4th tomorrow ! ill be at the mexican fiesta at emilys woo

bye.

right now i'm so happy, or i'm trying to be. i block out so much now and but at least i have no drama. I'm just avoiding a year anything like last year. i'm tired of anxiety and holding in stuff till i can't take it anymore. i'm glad i've already gone through that, i'm a lot more mature and i'd rather be mature than be stupid and inexperienced. next month will hopefully be the best part of summer and hopefully it will be basically everything i need. im glad i've stopped missing the people that i know don't miss me at all and are too busy with other things. im trying to get over some mothafuckers that talk a bunch of shit and have nothing but big lies to back it up. i know what i deserve and what i don't. i know my limits, and this year i'm not going to push them. 

so  many rockin good new albums came out so far this year.
GOD '08 is just great!                 lets not ruin it ,oldman 



Im trying to get over sad thoughts by thinking about how good today was but... i have to vent it out a little 

 I   love my family, i love my old friends, i love my new friends, i love life.
and i am so sorry to all of you that i haven't been there for, and thats many of you lately.
but just understand that i can't even really be there for myself right now.
i'm trying my best to be the girl i once was.
the one who could always be there for my loves at anytime.
the girl who could talk about issues without having a fucking heart attack.
i will be that girl again. but for now, for now i can't.
so for now, please hush your angry and hurt tones
and understand.

understand. !

Sometimes when no one else is home, I'll fall asleep wishing that I wake up with someone else inside my head. I don't want their body or family or life. I just want to be someone I think is more beautiful than myself. Kinder and more confident and wittier and calmer and less forgiving and less insecure and more optimistic and most importantly, not as terrible. buts its all in my head. I know I could be different in there if I just pushed myself out. YA KNOW

why do you say sorry for being a shitty frienddd?
its annoying. The only person you should say sorry to is yourself for being that shitty person you shitshit. 
I just cant wait to get my permit on the 21st(hopefully i pass) and flying to phoenix friday morning ..its gonna be eff in hotter there but ill see my ma :D